I hear about this every day in my practice. A wife wishes her husband would take her somewhere without the kids, a husband wishes his wife would get up and have a cup of coffee with him before he leaves for work. A woman or man is very unhappy with their job yet they stay, nose to the grindstone, just waiting for the weekend.
In all of these cases and many more, the major reason people don’t get what they want is because they don’t believe in themselves. They often think they do but when I review with them what they do to get those needs met I’m always struck by how easily people throw in the towel, give up, say it can’t happen. That’s because the conscious part of their mind tells them they are worth it because the conscious mind knows that’s the right answer but somewhere buried in the subconscious mind is an old message, from a parent or a teacher or a school peer or someone else they were exposed to early in life who told them that they weren’t good enough, that they should accept what they can get because they’re not really good enough, not really.
Become aware of old messages, subtle ways of thinking that would have you give up and begin to believe in yourself even if you have to fake it at first. Studies have shown that change making can occur if the person is acting as if they believe it’s possible even if they’re secretly afraid it isn’t. It’s called, “Faking it until you make it.” You can learn to believe in yourself. Believing in yourself is critical because no one else will believe in you if you don’t.
If you think you’re worth having your partner get out of bed to have an early morning cup of coffee with you, even if she goes back to bed after the cup of coffee or both of you have to go to bed at night a half an hour earlier, then you’ll stick with it and you won’t get angry. You’ll be firm, yes, assertive, yes, and if your partner continues to say, “No,” and you drop the subject then you only have yourself to blame because you didn’t really, deep down inside, believe you were worth getting up for.
If a woman believes she’s the same person her husband married and she sees no reason why they couldn’t and shouldn’t have fun on a date night without the children then she needs to be clear about what she wants and she needs to be assertive, not angry, but firm about what she wants. If she asks him and he doesn’t respond or makes an excuse instead of agreeing and she huffs off brimming with resentment she’s not going to get what she wants. If she persists and expects that she is worth a date night then it is likely that she will get one but she can’t give up.
If you feel like you’re stuck in a go nowhere job and you just bemoan your fate because you have to pay the bills then you’ll be stuck there all of your working days. If you recognize that you have to work at the job you have so the bills will get paid and at the same time make plans to find another job by getting a great resume made, either by using one of many templates that can be downloaded from the Internet or by hiring a professional to write one or ask friends about different jobs; check the want ads online and in the newspapers. Believe in yourself, believe you deserve a better job than the one you have and don’t give up, check the job sites on the Internet as often as possible and apply online or mail a cover letter explaining why you think you’re the right person for the job along with your resume, depending on how the potential employer would like you to apply for the job, some prefer online applications, others prefer snail mail. You will get a better job if you don’t give up.
These are only a few examples of situations where people don’t get what they want because they don’t stick with it. They give up. Sometimes it takes awhile, yes, and sometimes there is resistance from the other person but, if you absolutely do not get angry, no below the belt insults, and stick with the fact that you are good enough to get what you want you’re very likely to get it or, in the case of relationships, you might need to evaluate why you’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t think you’re worth it even if you do.
Create a mantra for yourself. Write it out and put it somewhere you’ll see it every day. For instance:
“I’m going to work at this job until I’m able to find the job I really want and I’m not going to stop looking until I get it.”
“I’m a good woman/man and I deserve to be loved and cared for by my husband/wife.”
DON’T GIVE UP!