AND YOU ASKED?

When I’m working with couples one thing I frequently hear is one person telling the other person what they think, want, feel. I’m always amazed because the other person hasn’t said what they think, want or feel.  The psychological term for this is “projection” meaning the person “projects” on to the other person what they think, want, feel or fear. For instance, if she tells him that she knows he wants a divorce, it can be true that he does want a divorce but it might also not be true. Who knows? He didn’t say it, she did. I use her as the antagonist in this vignette because women most often engage in this style of non-communication although some men do it too.  O.K. That’s the psychological explanation. In real life terms what I see is a whole lot of people telling other people what they think, want, or feel, without ever asking them. Usually, once the accusation has been made, the person making the accusation just keeps on talking, never mind giving the accused a chance to answer.  So this is how it goes:  She: “You haven’t been happy with me for a long time.  He: Silence  She: “Why...

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SOCIAL ANXIETY

If you know twenty people you know someone who suffers from social anxiety. That’s when a person has anxiety or fear about being judged by others or rejected by others when in some sort of group activity. People with social anxiety often feel like other people are looking at them and thinking negative thoughts about them. Sometimes social anxiety can be so severe it can lead to agoraphobia, a fear of going out of the house at all. Most cases of social anxiety involve avoiding social situations if possible or showing up late and leaving early. It’s a rare person who talks about having social anxiety because they already feel “weird” and out of place. They don’t want to draw any more attention to the fact that they’re counting the seconds until they can leave and escape the discomfort of the situation or that they have a heart beating closer to the way a rabbit’s heart beats than a human’s or feel nauseous or have sweaty palms or all of those symptoms. Social anxiety can be so severe a person can actually get sick before having to go somewhere and often this results in the person not going after all....

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SLEEP ON IT

            Sometimes it’s a good idea just to go to bed and get some sleep. Notice the qualifier, “sometimes,” because going to bed early every night can be a way to avoid your partner altogether and that’s not helpful. If that’s the case you need to talk about it. Here are some times when sleeping on it is a good idea: 1. You and your partner are having an argument that just seems to be getting worse the longer it goes on and you both have to work in the morning. You probably aren’t going to solve anything if you’ve been arguing for awhile. When you wake up both of you should have cooled off by several degrees so you can resume the discussion as level headed adults and not screaming children. You might even find that the “problem” isn’t a problem anymore. 2. You are feeling a lot of stress at work, the kids seem to be attempting to break the sound barrier and your partner is ignoring you and you don’t know why. Getting a good night’s sleep will allow you to ask your partner if something is bothering her in a tone of voice that conveys to...

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HATE ONLINE DATING?

You’re not alone. I’ve never talked to anyone who likes it. A lot of single people go to dating sites, put up a profile, send emails and answer emails, meet for coffee or dinner or lunch until they, sooner or later, meet the person they were looking for and that can happen right away or it can take a long time, which is when the medium becomes really tedious, although the process isn't pleasant from the beginning for most. They do it because they want to find someone to share life or parts of their lives with and they don't know of a better way. The general consensus is that meeting in bars is a bad idea since alcohol is a de-inhibitor and creates an artificial atmosphere. Most people today want to meet some who is well adjusted, well rounded, a real person not dripping with bad habits and an unhappy life. Churches are for some but the pickin’s are slim. Social groups are hard to find unless you go to Meetup.com, which is a great portal through which a person can find all kinds of activities for singles without any obligation to pair up or even to subject oneself...

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ONE WAY TO DE-STRESS EASILY IGNORED

You've heard people say it, read it in magazines, seen it on the Internet, maybe even tried it and noticed a positive difference right away.But it's just too easy so you forget about it and go slogging through your stressed out life wishing you could untie the Gordian knot of too many things to do and not enough time to do them, work, home, family,  the stress of a daily commute all the while moving faster and faster, adding more to your list of things to do.Because, many of you think, the way to making things better should be hard, complex, some kind of long range plan, which may be true for long range solutions and accomplishment of goals, but isn't at all true when it comes to lightening your mood and having a less stressed out day.I don't know why people feel like they have to have the entire solution to the problem and everything fixed or changed before they can experience less daily stress but they do, I've witnessed this phenomenon for 25 years now. So here it is. Do it three times a day, O.K. one time a day and work up to two or three and...

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