NOT A GOOD DATE?

Dear MJ, My friend likes to take the bus trips to Reno for a fun time out. We live in an assisted living complex so I like to get out too but I don’t always like to go on bus trips, especially when it’s always to go gambling and have a few drinks. I wouldn’t mind going with her sometimes but when I ask her to do other things with me she says she’s too busy. Is she really my friend? What should I do? Sincerely, Not a Good Date Dear Not a Good Date, You’re probably are a good date, and I bet you’re a lot of fun to be with on the bus trips, otherwise she wouldn’t keep asking you. In any friendship, the hardest thing to do is talk about things that might make you or the other person uncomfortable. You need to change the way you think about “uncomfortable situations” and realize that “fact finding” conversations don’t have to be uncomfortable at all. First, it’s important that you come up with more than one thing you like to do so you can offer your friend a “menu” of other fun activities. Maybe you like longer trips...

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SEX IN A LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP

When I work with couples, sex is seldom brought up as one of the predominant issues. I'm too old and have been doing this work too long to think that it isn't. What I believe is that bringing up sex problems is awkward and by the time it gets to my office, it's a very touchy subject because feelings have been hurt on both sides, more than once. What always stands out when I'm listening to each partner is how hurt each one feels and how rejected each one feels, yet, each one also believes that their partner isn't suffering like they are or that they don't care as much as they do. Imagine facing off against someone whom you believe is deliberately hurting you or, best case scenario, doesn't even care enough about you to try to hurt you. In that situation you want to fight for yourself, be heard, not lose any ground, hold your own, save face, avoid humiliation at all costs! Now imagine facing your partner, the person you love, who loves you, even if you're not in the mood to imagine that at this moment, do it anyway for the sake of this exercise. You...

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Change Your Experiences by Changing The Way You Think

What’s different about those two scenarios? In the first one you created what you anticipated would happen by your behavior and attitude. In the second one you didn’t create a negative self-fulfilling prophecy, rather you created a positive experience and you’re happy that you didn’t waste time on negativity.             This description of an experience is just an example. You can apply the same principles to any situation you’re in. Notice yourself and whether or not you’re experiencing cognitive distortions like “He/she is never any fun so I won’t have fun tonight.” You won’t have fun because you don’t expect to and your energy, attitude, and behavior will reflect that and you’ll create what you already thought would happen before it even happened. 2.  What you believe about something is what will cause the consequence not the action.             This is part of Albert Ellis’ theory of rational emotive therapy. He called it the A B Cs of Rational Emotive Therapy.             He believed that it wasn’t the action (having to change your shirt before you went out) that caused the consequence. He said it’s what you believe about the action that will cause the consequence. In other words, if...

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BORED IN THE BEDROOM?

You don’t have to be married twenty-years to feel like having sex with your partner would be much more interesting if you could just watch TV oVer his/her shoulder. If you can relate even a little bit to that then it’s likely that your partner isn’t having a peak experience either. I know. I can hear the women howling as I type. Yes, ladies, he probably won’t turn away an invitation but don’t think for a moment he doesn’t wish you’d spice it up a bit. The chief complaint I hear from men is that their partner used to like sex but now she doesn’t anymore. She had a kid, she’s not sexual, she’s too busy, is always sick, and so on. First, if you’re not having a great time your partner isn’t either so don’t throw yourself into a silent sulk or get a sick headache. It’s your job to take control of the situation and make some changes. Recognize that your partner’s crystal ball isn’t working. You can wish all you want but, if you don’t say anything, nothing is likely to change. Don’t do the “I’m great and everything would be great if he/she would only change.”...

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