You don’t have to be married twenty-years to feel like having sex with your partner would be much more interesting if you could just watch TV oVer his/her shoulder. If you can relate even a little bit to that then it’s likely that your partner isn’t having a peak experience either.

I know. I can hear the women howling as I type. Yes, ladies, he probably won’t turn away an invitation but don’t think for a moment he doesn’t wish you’d spice it up a bit.

The chief complaint I hear from men is that their partner used to like sex but now she doesn’t anymore. She had a kid, she’s not sexual, she’s too busy, is always sick, and so on.

First, if you’re not having a great time your partner isn’t either so don’t throw yourself into a silent sulk or get a sick headache. It’s your job to take control of the situation and make some changes.

Recognize that your partner’s crystal ball isn’t working. You can wish all you want but, if you don’t say anything, nothing is likely to change. Don’t do the “I’m great and everything would be great if he/she would only change.” Without being sarcastic or getting defensive you should tell your partner what you’d like.

If you think having candles lit all around the room would be a turn on, say so and then buy the candles, put them around the room, light them when the time is right and smile while you’re doing it. It doesn’t count if you grumble something to the effect that you have to do everything or it doesn’t get done and this is just one more thing. That’s conducive to getting a divorce so, if that’s what you have in mind, keep being sarcastic or accusatory. That’s the E ticket.

If it would be exciting for you if your partner wore sexy lingerie to bed, go buy some for her (him if it’s applicable). If you’d like her to wear six inch heels to bed at least for the first part then ask her and ask her by telling her how sexy she is and how much you’d like it if she would wear her heels to bed. If you wish he’d slow down and maybe start making love to you over dinner, start the conversation and if he doesn’t get it, with a smile, tell him you’d like to talk about love/romance/sex/new positions/whatever you want to talk about.

Men, recognize that women generally are slower starters so remember to talk to her earlier in the day as if you like her. Engage her in some interesting conversation (this works best if the engaging conversation has something to do with how much you love/appreciate/admire/value/think she’s sexy/ can’t wait to get home to her/ you choose just don’t make it be about when to get the car tuned up.

Three rules if you’d like to have a sexy/romantic time:

1.      No talking about kids.

2.     No talking about jobs.

 No talking about money.

Smile and act like your partner is your best friend and you love him/her even if you don’t exactly feel that way. We teach people how to treat us and that goes for the bedroom too (outdoors, hotel, in the car, wherever you’d like).

Do nice things for your partner. She/he is your partner so you know if a single rose as a surprise will work or doing a load of laundry and putting it away is a good idea, or greeting him after work with something new from Frederick’s of Hollywood will get the party started.

Think of your partner as someone you want to have fun with and act like it. Yes, fake it until you make it. That’s the most effective way to get there. Tell your partner what you like. They will appreciate it. Introduce toys if you’d like them. Get out your partner’s toys if you’ve ignored them.

Don’t demand, get angry, be sarcastic, or frost your partner. Think of what you were like the first month you were together. That’s what infatuation is for. It gives you a touchstone to return to when you get lost.

If you do these things selflessly because you truly want to please your partner and you want your partner to please you and because you are in love with your partner or you want to fall back in love with your partner, your relationship will improve a lot.

One note of caution here; sometimes changing behavior doesn’t get the desired response right away because your partner doesn’t believe you, doesn’t trust you, is angry at you, or some other reason. You need to be prepared for this so you don’t get defensive or angry and you need to keep doing the things you’re doing until your partner really starts to believe you and that you really have changed and intend to stay changed. That’s when the fun begins.

Oh yes, did I say have fun? Yes, have fun, making love is fun but you have to take action instead of reacting.