“you deserve flowers on your doorstep
and coffee in the morning
you deserve notes left on your dashboard
and ice cream sundaes at 3am
you deserve honesty every day
and to be kissed every hour
you deserve to be reminded
how beautiful you are”
Came across this and thought about all of the couples I’ve worked with who did these things for each other when they first met and fell in love. This period is called the “honeymoon” period or the “infatuation” period and doesn’t have to go away.
It generally goes away when a baby arrives or shortly after or the couple has been married longer than two years even without children or there’s some sort of family crisis, illness or death in the family or there’s financial hardship.
Every event in the list above is stressful. And these are the times when one or both of the partners begins to believe the other doesn’t love them or loves them but isn’t interested in what’s going on with them or says they’re interested but never comes up with any ideas for something fun to do or works late and doesn’t help out much at home and so on.
Why is it that someone will do something outrageously loving or fun when they first meet the person they want to spend the rest of their life with and then while they’re spending the rest of their life with that person it’s as if they’ve taken a dull and boring pill?
What I hear is each person in the partnership saying that the other person is to blame and the list is endless. What I don’t hear or see is anyone turning to their partner either asking them what they can do to make the relationship better or to politely ask their partner not to talk to them that way, sarcasm, put downs, criticism, etc.
There’s delicate balance between being vulnerable and open with your partner and wanting to do nice things for them and allowing your partner to be rude or hurtful in the name of some perceived fault or infraction of yours.
No one respects someone they can walk on. Why? Because if you allow someone to walk all over you then you are telling that person that being treated badly is all you deserve and that’s a major turn off for most people.
Everyone would like someone to do nice things for them, to them, and everyone loves pampering, yes, men love pampering too. So women shouldn’t come to believe they are the ones who deserve pampering and their partners don’t care about that kind of stuff. Yes, they do. They are less likely to complain about not being treated as if they’re special but they care and they notice.
When people are hurt or angry they are less likely to be vulnerable, hence not suggesting ice cream sundaes at three am (staying up late Saturday night can be fun) or leaving a love note on the dashboard or spontaneously kissing their partner. But that just leads to more hurt, more resentments and pretty soon the dog is chasing his tail.
You both deserve to be reminded of “how beautiful you are” and you both deserve to live a life of passion and joy no matter how long you’re together or what kinds of hardships you encounter on your journey. If you initiate often enough it’s likely your partner will learn from you. If they don’t begin to respond to being loved and loved well then it’s time to ask them why and then listen very carefully to what they have to say. Take them seriously and build on that but they have to offer solutions and not just complaints, that’s the rule.